when flowers gaze at you

I’m reading twilight now. I know- OUTDATED. but in any case, i swear Edward is dreamy. HAR HAR. Lol. And its stupid cos he’s a fictitious character described in a book.

I want that feeling. to have someone to swoon over. to have someone who’ll walk you to classes. to have someone to walk with you to school. to have someone to accompany you out when your friends are busy. (this whole edward cullen thing is driving me crazy. I’m crazy. why? cos i think a fictitious character is dreamy and cute. LOL. i think i need help. PRONTO.hahaa) but thats besides the point.

I’m at home, all the homework done. thankfully. anyway, today on the way home from lab, i had a chat with farie. i tld her i wanted to be a mutant. and we started to talk about x men. lol. and then spiderman. i wanna have super powers. pfft. LOL. school was dry. however, mdm noreha’s impersonation of a figure skater was funny. hiakhiakhiak. lab was interestingly interesting. i did one of the nicest graphs for physics. AND i did my chemistry experiment really fast! (with the help of Mr Teo. He was stressing me la ok) so in the end, i went home a happy child. However, i just didnt feel like talking to anyone at home. even mum. probably home is the only place i can just sit down, be quiet (well. sometimes, like now. usually i’d sing. haha) and think. just think. look out the window and think. listen to old songs (which people nowadays think is ugly and off tune…. BOO to you.) and no one can laugh at me. heeee. I’ll sing ‘making love out of nothing at all’ tmr in school. i’ll make the rain fall. and liyana will be irritated. and jun jie will give me the “tiara siao liao” look. Ahhhhh. The wonders of singing. ok. I’m off to sapedek. and imma get my guitar out and play some tunes before i continue reading twilight.

 

stop and stare

There are times when you get thrown down so bad, That it freezes your soft spot. It immunes you from trusting the person who once played with your feelings. Not even close to trust- just complete not wanting to have a decent conversation. Its like every word that comes out is filled and packed with cold hard anger. Although you know you’re not someone who has those sort of revengeful feelings, you cant help yourself.

Was it wrong for me to have been spiteful? Is it wrong for me to feel that anger? Because i really dont knw. A part of me tells me that i should just let it go. And maybe i should. But then again, i cannot find myself coming into terms with the fact that i was so gullible and to why the person did what he did. Guilty  conscience got to me, so i decided to apologise. It was unfair of me to have been nasty. the least i could have done was to just talk monotonously. It’s over now, but my conscience was clear when i apologised. My ego got the better of me. I feel remorseful for that. I’m sick and tired of making my miserability as an excuse. You know, how i was so gullible, and believed everything. I’ve been talking about Mr Karma. So i should practice it too. What goes around, comes around. So yeah. I should take a break.

 

 

 

seriously.

another random. ah what the hell.

i fell asleep after mum and dad left for the market. after half an hour i woke up. Now i’m grumpy cos i cant get back to sleep. i wanna do hmwrk, but i dont feel like it. and it sucks. booo boooooooooo. and i’m sleepy. but i cant sleep back. BBBBOOOOO.

rainbows.

random post of the day;

 

some people feel that the world is against them
Some feel that everyone else has no room for sympathy
Some feel that the world suddenly stopped working
But i think- Not really

We can choose whatever we want anything to be
we have the power of choice to make things work
but first we have to start with ourselves
and not put up a sudden surge;

A surge of anger,
a surge of pain
you start screaming out
but nobody comes to your aid

It seemed like nothing good would come your way
And then you tell yourself – “come what may”

Everything happens for a reason,
that you have to understand.
Although it seems screwed up right now
you have to believe that things will mend.

It’s not easy,
its something that will take time
but if you believe in yourself
everything would be fine

This is random,
and its impromtu
I’m sorry if it sucks
but I’ve been brought up to give a helping hand,
even if its to a jerk like you.

 

Amazing how sympathy can make you create such cheesy things like that lame poem. HAHA. rocks on socks.

people.

Firstly, I’d like to say that today was downright awesome. And, Thankfully, i didnt screw up as much as i thought i would. So yay went to meet the gfs to go to the book fair over at the expo. had a hard time searching for gd books. and i settled with one. heee. good buy, good buy. Lols. anyhooooos. had a chitchat session for half an hour before we all went our seperate ways. i met mummy at city hall and we headed to vivo. there, we met auntie lin and ovi. and we started walking all over the place. I had fun. and nt only that, we went to pick up daddy via auntie lin’s car and we headed to spize! long time since i’ve been there, yo. woooo. didnt eat, just had the usual- teh cino. aaaahhh. heaven. after that we went home. Yeah, I’m beat. I’m like half dead. i need to shower and pray. and sleep. getting up at 8 tmr. meeting iddy at 9 to swim. wooo. funstuff. must exercise.

alright. before i just knock off right smack in front of the laptop, i better freshen up and get some ssllleeeeppp

And I’m not that hard- hearted bitch

There’ll come a time when you’ll have all the anger and frusration in you. It makes you feel so shitty and crappy. And then, everything gets back to normal. Well, I make it a point that it does. Honestly, I havent been having happy days where i could just smile and know everything’s right in place. But I’m slowly getting there, and i only have myself to thank. And of course, to those innocent friends of mine who have been listening to my rants and my problems. I think they deserve some sort of Prize for being there for me. Though there are some whom I’ve fought with before, I’m glad we’ve buried the hatchet. Like, how long are we supposed to be angry at each other right? Speaking of burying the hatchet, I’m glad that throughout my crappy period, i gained alot. I’m finally in good terms with enn and i’ve never felt better.

Basically this post is just something i felt like posting. LOL. but really. I was surfing on the net and i came across some rather interesting words (dont worry, they aint dirty or whatever. just normal english, non-offensive words) As i read them, I was shocked. Cos it sounded like me a month ago. Pathetic, Useless, Confused, Hurt, Disturbed etc. Like you dont know where you’re going, and you dont know why it happened. And you start asking yourself all the questions that seem to never have an answer. You then try to muster up all the courage you got, and vomit out all the things that are left unsaid- hoping you’ll get what you’re fighting for. But you failed. You tried again, and you still failed. you wonder where you went wrong. And you end up letting your mind work by itself. Your mind started to be your villain. And you cant stop it. Because it has gained so much power after your emotional breakdown. It seemed impossible when you wanted to stop all the bullshit that your mind has been whispering to you. And you start thinking of the things that arent really important in the first place. You start to get angry at yourself. And from there, you start blaming yourself when it wasnt even your fault.

 

I was there once. I felt the hurt. I felt the pain and agony. I struggled to get over IT. It was agonising to just take one step. trust me, I aint lying. It was so bad that i forgot what physical pain felt like. Half of me felt like I’ve just been used. Another half felt like I’m the most stupidest human on the face of the Earth. After days and weeks of feeling down and blue, my heart was still aching. And literally aching. Like someone squeezed all your juices out from yr heart. Your heart feels small, it shrinks to the size of a mini oreo (or maybe smaller) I’ve felt the idea of false hope, I’ve felt the idea of everything being fake and plastic.

 

I’ve said it once before; what goes around comes around. And there’s your answer. Whatever i read, was exactly how i felt when I experienced it. Finally, you’ve got the taste of your own medicine. I sound sadistic, but this is not the purpose of the post.

 

I’m not a hard hearted bitch who has no room for forgiveness. And I’m not here to actually FORGIVE you. I’ll take my bloody time to forgive you. Contradictory, but this post is to give you a boost. I dont know why I’m being nice right now. but yeah. It’s not/never going to be easy for you to get out of the pit. It’s not going to be easy for you to look back and just continue walking. It’s not going to be easy to get over it. It’s damn bloody hard. But gimme a break. You’re man enough to know you have balls. You’re man enough to know and understand the meaning of fate. You’re man enough to not be so sensitive. Sometimes the only way to get better is to accept the fact that it couldnt have worked out. Right now, you’re dwelling on the fact that it happened, but didnt last. If you really want to get better than its your choice to make.

 

I made mine. It sucked. I felt shitty-ness run through my veins. I felt everything you could ever imagine. And not the good stuff. But I can still write about it not feeling as angry as i did before. I can just look back at what happened and just continue walking. Why? Because I wanted it to. I didnt coop up in my bubble- feeling all gloomy and keep asking myself “Why? Why? Why?” I got out. Then i figured, “Because God has something better for me” And so i moved on. I carried on. Even when it was hard. I was determined to get out of the hypnosis you worked on me.

 

I tried running away from the problems. I tried shutting it off. Then i realised that to every problem, there will be a solution. And to solve that problem, i needed to start with myself. I needed to believe, and accept the fact that it happened, it hurt, and it sucked. There was no point in inflicting myself with more emotional pain. Yes, I have shown anger and unhappiness. I’m not going to give excuses for that, cos its a fact and i admit it. but you know what, I’m done being angry. But I’m still taking my time to forgive you.

 

You can either take this as a form of advice or whatever they call it. But yeah. Life’s too short to be angry at something or someone. It’s too short to feel down and blue about something that didnt work out. Life’s too short to dwell on the past. It’s just way to short to have all the negativity.

 

So yeah.

 

Stop, refresh and
Carry On

smacks head/

This is random. I feel driven. And i want another study outing. But this time. Really study like crazy until madness. Saturday Saturday. Tomorrow Swimming Swimming. Okay. I sound monotonous.

So close that i cant see whats going on

All i have to say is; i deserved that fall. I think i really needed it. At least i felt physical pain. I’m so sick and tired of emotional pain that it sucks. Haahahaha. but check it out. my wound has now healed, and its all dried up. Its true; time heals all wounds. doesnt matter if its deep down, or on the surface. I’m happy to say that I’m A-Okay. I’m better than i was about a month ago. I was a wreck. It stung. It hurt. But i was determined to make it better. And here i am. Although everywhere i go reminds me of the fact that i was literally gullible, i always remind myself that shit happens.

I’m so delighted that i dont feel sucky anymore. Its like a step out of that shitty feeling. Yeah, I’m happy. So happy. Alhamdulillah.

A random song i’m really into right now

 

These back steps are steeper to the ground
The brightest stars are falling down
I’m walking the edge, walking the tighest rope
We can be frank, reality rips on through, rolling like a hurricane
I’m over the bridge and under the rain

If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way

What am i doing here
If you’re not with me
What have i got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
You come crashing down
Crashing down

These four walls are closing in on me
The talk is louder than i’ll sing
I want to be there, want to be where you are
But you know it all, every look and smile that aren’t meant to break
I’m over the bridge and under the rain

If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way

What am i doing here
If you’re not with me
What have i got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
Gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
You come crashing down, Crashing down

And you say everything’s different, why dont we just hold on
And you say everything’s different, why dont we just hold on

Crashing down

 

Crashing Down; Mat Kearney

No, I’m not the one crashing.

You are.

time heals all wounds

I wasnt planning to blog at all today. but i missed out an important subject yesterday. haha.

I MET MIMI! hahahhahaa! After EONS la ok. like E-O-N-S. hehehhee. I was treated to Popeyes at the S’pore flyer. hee =) because apparently Mimi forgot to call me that friday night to confirm the outing. then the next morning i msged him, he didnt reply. at about 12, he called. so he paisey la. then blanja me. hehe. The food was interesting. hahaha. i still think that bun is bread and not a biscuit. lol. Mimi laughed at me for bringing alot of plasters. I was wearing pumps. And i guess they’re not seasoned. So they bit my feet like kefnrkeufakwiuehlafiw. like that. lucky for my plasters, or else mimi would have to carry me or i would have to walk bare feet. LOL. After lunch we headed dwn to esplanade library where i did ABIT of chemistry. the rest of the times were spent laughing. showed mimi a video. and he literally rolled on the floor laughing. HAHAHAHA! then after the 4 min video, he said “Wah. *tear tear* can get golden globe la sia. hahahaha” then we explored the wonders of friendster and the internet. We got freaked out. The girl, looked like a MAN. Omg. Like BUTCH. I’m sorry, but hello? internet= public. i swear. she was like the girl from the tamp mall arcade the butch worker. It was freaky la ok! :s Even Mimi was freaked out. Hahhaa. Then after watching the video and looking at the pictures, guess what? MIMI FARTED. So ugly man! seriously la. i was laughing2 like crazy. Then when i was talking abt the movie what happens in vegas, he thought i WENT to vegas. -_- kauz. then he showed me this video of this grandma swearing in english. it was hilarious la! mother fucker became MOTHER-FATHER. Bullshit became BALLSHIT. LOLLOLL funny shitez. and so, after the library we went to get my caramel frappe from mc Cafe. Mimi said i was addicted. Hahhaha. basket. then went to peninsula cos he wanted to collect his shirt. then he sent me to the mrt after which he went off to the bugis library. off i went to aljunied =) yesterday was fun. hahahha

ok. thats all!

dreams.

I feel driven after the Adam Khoo workshop. I hope I’ll stay driven. I’ll prove to some people that these motivational talks DO work. but heck, if they dont want it to work then thats they’re own fucking problem =)

Oh lets see. I learnt alot about myself. about how capable i can really be, if i push myself harder. Sometimes i dont give myself a chance to prove myself that i can do it and i can make it. Our mind is freakishly powerful and it is said (and proven) to affect yr goals. If we say we can, WE CAN. If we fail, there’s no such thing as failure- but learning experiences. from there, we work towards our goal. If we fall, stand up and change our strategies. When we want something, GO GET IT. work for it, be determined to get it, take a chance. and lastly, there’re so many things i have that i take for granted. and that is my mum and dad. all the love they showered me. all the things they provided me with. sometimes i dont even say thank you.

yesterday the whole sec 4 cohort saw me cry. I apologised to my parents. and told them that i do love them a whole lot. and that they’re the best things or people that i could ever ask for. I thank Allah for blessing me with parents like mummy and daddy. And like the champion i was- one out of the 20 thousand cells, i will be the champion that i am. I started it. so i will uphold it.

to those who think that the Adam Khoo workshop….

1) is A scam
2) is BULLSHIT!
3) will never work
4) waste time
5) tries to play with your mind

Either you …

1) are Plain overconfident
2) have No feelings
3) think you’ll live forever with money
4) have a sense of negativity
5) dont look on the bright side of life
6) are disturbed
7) are angry at something or someone
8 ) are lonely
9) afraid to show your emotions
10) think you can live forever

I feel sorry for these people. I know, people cant think the way i do and they have their own opinions. But i think you should give some respect to at least their job and what they do. they do this for a living. they WORK odd hours to earn money. unlike most of you who feed from yr own parents money and call it yours. and yah, even if you do think they all are out to trick your mind, find your WEAK spot, preach about positivity and motivation, who are you to say that anyway? the cold hard truth is, Adam Khoo is a millionaire. I bet thats way more than what you all have. So yeah. I think you should at least show some respect to probably a favour that they’re trying to do so anyone and everyone can be a millionaire to. And yeah, sometimes they sound kinda boastful the way they talk. but the thing is, they ARE rich. and its THEIR money they EARN. Maybe they;re not even boasting. Maybe its their job. Maybe they are SUPPOSED to share their life experiences, be it whether they sound boastful or not. Oh well. its over now. and i cant expect people to just change their minds =.= but in any case, i’m not making a personal attack OR telling people to follow what i say OR insulting other people OR thinking i’m that good and great OR telling people to think like me. I think its the RIGHT thing to do. thats what i think lah. If yall dont think so then ok. stand by yr decision. like how i’m standing by mine.

(: