I know you’re not too far away. I know you’re still there. Come back. Please come back.

One more day

Had a good chat with my parents about life and death.

Talking about those who has left us and how they left us- sudden or it was already anticipated.

Maybe the death of both my paternal grandparents were traumatising. however, on the bright side, i did get to see them go through difficult times in the hospitals. check ups after check ups. blood tests after blood tests. so when they left, no doubt i was distraught, but at least i knew my family tried our best to keep them alive as long as medical advancements could.

however, the sudden death of my uncle was the one i still ponder about time and again. he was involved in a car crash. you see it in the news, in dramas. car crashes. imagine it happening to you. like your family member in that car crash.

everyone thought he’d survive it. he could still respond when i last met him. little did i know that that was going to be the last time i was ever going to see him give me that big smile of his. the call from my dad saying that my uncle passed away left me in pieces. i lost my grandma 4 months before that. so technically, 2004 was a gloomy year for my family. nothing seemed right. one after another my family member passed away. first my grandma, then 4 months later, my uncle. to have 2 family members just go like that. it isnt easy.

the point of my post is. what if you were given a chance to spend time with those who have left you for one more day? it sounds like i’m taking it from mitch albom’s book – for one more day. but if u think about it, that book holds much meaning. after all that said and done, everything over, another chapter of life has passed, you long for one more day to make things right, to say your sorries and the things you never told them that u know you should have.

you long for that one more day. one more chance to make it right before it’s definitely over. but that day that u long for wont come.

the thing is, why is it that people have to WAIT for something to happen and realise what they’ve lost. why is it that people have to WAIT for something to happen when they realise they havent been appreciating the amount that they should have. why is it that people have to WAIT for something to happen, and then regret.

maybe there can never be an explanation for this. could it be a human phenomenon? or could it be that we all are made to feel regret and pain? the answer can be both.

thats why i look up to my dad. to have 2 of his family members leave him in a span  of 4 months. its not easy. he didnt cry when his mum died. he didnt cry when his bro died. did it mean that he didnt love them and felt nothing? which child wont break down when his parents die? they;ve been there for you through everything and to have their life just taken away by the Almighty. of course he felt the pinch. but when i questioned him on why didnt he cry. he told me that there;’s nothing to cry about. in his eyes, he has tried his best and did his duty as a son to ensure his mother deserved the right medical attention. he brought both his parents to check ups together. took leave just to send them to the hospital. paid their hospital bills and medication. with that, he told me, “I have fulfilled my duties as a son. I feel satisfied. I should not feel guilty or regret, cos I did my best”

but about his bro, he felt sad at first. but during the time when my uncle passed away, it was also the time when the tsunami happened. he thought to himself “If i’m here feeling sad, cos my bro died of a serious accident injury, over a 100,00 people died in the tsunami JUST LIKE THAT. so, i think i shouldnt feel sad. cos there are other people who feels 10000 times sadder than i feel.”

i guess the reason why i’m writing this post is cos life can go anytime. you can go anytime, i can go anytime. it’s all about time. time is always the factor to everything. time makes things better, time makes things worst. time gives you hope, time helps you keep faith. time makes you wonder if tomorrow will be better. time makes you realise what you have to do to make things better. time makes you reminisce. time heals. but most importantly, time helps you carry on.

everyday is a battle. nobody wins or loses. cos thats life. life is a battle. it’s a battle for time.

Strength

Though this post is titled strength, it’s actually about me being weak. haha.

I miss.

I miss the little things we do and the crappiest jokes we’d come up with.
I miss the long walks and the random conversations we’d have.
I miss having the feeling of really making you happy.
And I miss the look in your eyes when you see me.

I miss the way you’d argue with me and tell me my joke was lame.
I miss the way you’d smile when i’m all chatty and blabbering about something.
I miss going out with you, having ice cream or even just sitting at rooftops of malls and just talking.
And I miss talking to you like we used to.

I miss getting random hugs from you.
I miss sitting at the 3rd floor of the library and watching you read men’s health.
I miss watching you levelling up in my tap tap revenge thingy in my phone.
And I miss how you’d whisper “i love you” when i’m distracted by something.

I miss watching you play random games online, like chess, or the doodling thingy
I miss watching movies from your laptop in the library.
I miss how you realised that i freak out and feel sick whenever exams are coming.
And I miss watching HIMYM with you.

I miss going on adventures and dates.
I miss taking the MRT with you and pretending you’re my very own personal handrails
I miss going to eat with you
And I miss movie outings with you

I miss everything about you, everything about us. Every little thing.

I remember the first time we held hands, and the first movie we watched.
I remember the first time I went out with just you, and no one else.
I remember our little trip to Art Friend to get your art supplies.
I remember our adventures to Orchard Central and 313@somerset.
I remember how amazed you were at how delicious Gelare was.
I remember you tell me i’m pretty when i’m wearing my baggy tshirt and seluar batik.
I remember telling you i said i didnt like you in muscle tops when actually i do.
I remember watching you make your dad’s birthday present.
I remember when we’d stay up all night just talking.
I remember talking to you till sahur.

And I remember how i realised I fell in love with you.
And I remember how annoyed i was cos i couldnt spend enough time with you due to my cca.
And I remember how i felt when you watched me dance for the first time on stage.
And I remember when i told you how i felt about you.
And I remember how I felt when you gave me the yellow envelope.

And I remember what you said when i asked you why you loved me.

Everytime I feel like I’m lost, or when I feel like I miss you too much,  I open my file and find that yellow envelope. I read its contents and I know you’re not too far away. I believe you’re not too far away. I have faith that you are not too far away.

I miss you, Amlarfn.
I miss you so much. It feels even worse than when I went for a holiday.

And I love you. So much- that it hurts whenever I miss you.

We’ll pull through Insya Allah.

Make it, or break it.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful.”

Today I learnt something very important. Yes I admit I am rusty at relationships.
But after today, I now realise what it means to make one work.

1) Trust

You gotta have trust. You gotta trust each other. There is no relationship if there is no trust.

2) Communication

You gotta talk. You gotta have random conversations. You gotta think aloud (remember’s percog class with Dr Tan) there is a name for it, which i forgot. Whatever you say, must come from your heart. it must be sincere. dont say something that you dont mean. Nobody can read minds. That’s scientifically impossible. One thing about studying psychology, we realise reading minds is not possible. But reading behaviours can reflect on the truth. You have to tell each other how you really feel. You cannot ever expect him/her to know what you’re thinking and hope that subconsciously they’ll get what you’re thinking and do what you want to make you happy. It doesnt work that way

3) Words are just words

You have to MEAN what you say. You gotta PROVE what you say. Dont say i love you, but you dont show it. words can only go so far.

4) Actions speak louder than words

refer to 3) you have to show how much you love him/her. how much he/she means to you. everyone wants to feel appreciated. face the harsh facts that words are never enough. little things make the most impact

5)  choice

you have a choice. a choice to make the best out of it, or the choice not to. you have a choice to try, or give up. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

6) never try to be someone you’re not

dont try to idolise something or someone. you are who you are. you can curb some bad habits (eg. clingy, whiny) but never ever try to change. cos when you do, you keep to yourself too much. you live in denial. you deny things that are true just to suit the other party. that’s being selfish. (refer to quote above)

7) confide in your partner

he/she is there for a reason. to listen to you, to talk to you, to be there for you.. what would they be there for when you dont tell them anything (refer to 2)

never blame

never put the blame on one another. it takes to hands to clap, and two to tango. both parties did their share of mistakes.

9) Admit the mistakes

Admit them. in my opinion, if one feels guilty about something or some reason, chances are, the reasons exist. if you just feel guilty, there must be something wrong. then TELL THEM. ask them whats wrong

10) Love

You gotta love him/her. you’ve got to want it to work it out. it’s like. a tagteam. if one is down, the other cant function. there must be the want to work things out

I’ve made my share of mistakes. And the only thing i can do is to learn and make things better.

Not I.
It’s WE.

Infinite.

Nabilah and I were waiting for Asar in the solat room. So we surfed the net using my iPhone (which I still do not have a name for, by the way. Ideas, anyone?) We landed at stomp. So we were looking and reading breaking news and stuff. Thats when we came across Valentines’ Day stories. I read most of them with Nabilah. And I’d have to say some of them were kinda nice. And there were some which were like -_-” really. I was so tempted to enter the competition as well. Cos the stories sounded so BLEAH. not all of them. some of them.

I told Nabilah that our stories were much more doper and more natural, so to speak. to get where i’m coming from, you should really go stomp and read the stories. the stories that you’ll find -_-” is exactly the ones nabilah did -_-” this to. and the stories that you’ll find “awww” are the ones that nabilah and i said “ok la” HAHAHA

The thing with the competition was, you had to send in your photographs with your loved one. Apparently, the more you send, the higher the chance. the prizes were dope. Like the best entry will win 1000 bucks, 2nd best entry, 500 bucks and the 3rd best, 300 bucks. the best entry will get like studio photoshoots and shit… which i thought was like -_________-” ttm cos if the best entry winner werent a couple who are already married, or going to get married, then its so ridiculous.

imagine. if you’re just boyfriend and girlfriend. and you take studio photoshoots and everything. like omg. you wont even know if you will seriously end up marrying the one you’re with right. like they say, you just plan it, but God decides. Anything can happen. then after taking all the cool, paid- for photoshoots, you’ll break up in the long run. WHUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. i admire stories that end up with marriage lah. there was one. so i didnt mind if they got the photoshoot thing. cos they alr made a vow they’d stay by each other forever. but still, there’s still the issue of divorce, so again, it’s not really a ‘confirmed’ thing, so to speak.

I mean okay. Love. I tell you, nobody can ever describe what love is because everyone has their own definition of love. love can actually be like numbers- infinite. The most bombastic words arent enough to explain what love is. try it. you say love is (whatever you think it is) then u think again. is it enough?

I’m not trying to be the boring, pessimistic old lady… saying that love at this tender age wont last. the fact is, it’s true. yes, okay there might be those couples who are the exceptions. the ones who meet their future spouse in secondary school and have kids and everything. My auntie was one of them. But think about it, it is so rare. Everytime i think about just getting into a relationship and thinking THAT far, i will remember a story my ustazah told me.

she met this guy in school. they dated. and they got engaged. she had to leave for university at malaysia. so she left. and when she got back, her fiancee just broke up with her and told her he was gonna marry someone else. and they were together for seven years. you can stick to a person for that much time. but ultimately, your fate in love rests in the hands of God.

I never stop telling Amal how much I love him. But I never promise him things like, forever. I never tell him- I’ll love you FOREVER. or I’ll be there for you FOREVER. Cos I dont like making promises i cannot keep. Who knows what lies ahead for us? Will we still be together in years to come? Will he be the one i end up marrying? Will he be the father to my children? Is he the one God fated me to be with? earlier i questioned, “Will we be together in years to come?” Dont talk about years. Will we still be together tomorrow? or the day after? or next week? on his birthday? on hari raya? on our anniversary? on my next birthday?

I dont know. Nobody knows. sometimes these questions scare me. I look in my planner and set up the birthdates of the people close to me. I never add in my monthasaries, or my anniversary. Why? Cos what if, what if by the time that date comes, we wont be together anymore? I’d have to face that date, delete it, use correction tape- to erase and remove it. And as i’m typing this, it sounds painful already.

Maybe the future holds many things that I look forward to. The happy things. But the future scares me. I am afraid of the things that will hurt me, that will scar me, the things that will make me cry. I am afraid of the things I wont be strong for, and the difficult things that i have to go through. But thats life. And you gotta live life day by day, as if it’s your last day.

Everyday, I’m thankful for the people i have around me. I’m surrounded by so much love, care and concern. I’m thankful for the opportunities i’ve been given and the things i own.

I’ve been to the downward spiral. I know what it feels like to love, and get none in return. I know what it feels like to love, and have your heart broken. And I know what it feels like to love, and walk away. Since then love never came as close to what i had.

But God has His ways of giving you something that you need and desire in very unexpected ways. He has His ways of working things around. And right this moment, I’m eighteen, typing on my 3 year old laptop (which i think it’s a portable desktop cos the battery is useless) blessed with the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. Question me on how things sparked between us- Maybe i cant answer that.

Why?

Cos Like my explanation about ‘love’, words are never enough to explain how we ended up where we are now. Words are never enough to explain what he went through and what I went through. And like i said. God works in mysterious ways. I never thought I’d end up with this dorky brace-faced, tall guy whom i turned to to pour my heart out and for a good laugh. But I did. I still cant explain how we ended up where we are.

I guess that’s the beauty of it all. And I wouldnt have it any other way

Guess what

Schoolwork is piling up. I’m insanely lazy to update my wordpress, tumblr etc

I desperately need my grades up. I’ve already screwed up my tests.

Soooo there isnt any other way to save my ass unless i really do well for my finals.

okay bye.

Protected: Promise me you wont talk to me about this.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Fits.

Sometimes it makes me feel sad.

but at the end of the day i always tell myself that wherever he is, he’s thinking of me too.
cos in a relationship, there needs to be a mutual understanding that no matter what happens, or wherever we may be, we love each other.

and when he finally texts to check up on me, thats when i know he’s there and he aint going anywhere.

Finally Eighteen

I was afraid of turning 18. The last minutes being 17 was the scariest. I dunno why. 18 is like THE age. people cant wait to turn 18. But for me i felt kinda scared of what will come now that i’m 18. a little less than half an hr ago i was out with my family and my grandparents to celebrate my grandfather’s birthday. we went to one fullerton. Visited Diq at the store and he gave me a free drink. thanks diq after one fullerton we went to eat at lau pa sat. i had to stop eating cos i felt really greatful. i kept looking at the lights, the people and of course. my table. my family.

I was talking to Amalul. And this is what i said.

Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:12 AM):
it feels great
amalul ‘arifin says (12:12 AM):
really?
i tot u like not looking forward to it
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:12 AM):
i was so nervous
i dunno why
amalul ‘arifin says (12:13 AM):
so have u celebrate yet?
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:13 AM):
not yet
hahahaha
i’m just really happy
amalul ‘arifin says (12:13 AM):
ahaaha
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:13 AM):
hehehe
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:14 AM):
Alhamdulillah
amalul ‘arifin says (12:14 AM):
what are you happy abt turning 18
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:14 AM):
I dunno
like i have friends who care
i have a loving family
i have an awesome boyfriend
it’s like. what more could i ask for
i wouldnt trade it for anything in the world
not even a million bucks.
just now i was out with my family at one fullerton area
had dinner at lau pa sat
i cant help but t stop eating
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:15 AM):
and just be thankful y;know
like i’ve lived for 17 years
ok 18
and i feel so greatful to be where i am today
who isnt afraid about turning older
but when i see my family, my nieces,
my friends, everyone
and how much they love me and hw much they care
i suddenly dont feel afraid anymore
amalul ‘arifin says (12:15 AM):

Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:15 AM):
cos i know no matter what they’ll always be there for me
Tiara Surya Dusqie. says (12:16 AM):
thick and thin
ups and downs
and suddenly i feel ready to embrace being legally 18

I just feel very blessed. Thank you mom, for staying up for 12 hours waiting for me to pop out on the first of jan 1992. Thank you dad for waiting with mom to give birth to me. but i apparently refused. when mom made you go home after waiting for me for 12 hours, then i decided to pop out at 1:57am of january 2nd (so technnically my mum was currently in labour 18 years ago)

Thanks to my family members who accompanied my mum while waiting for me to come out. Thanks to Allah for giving me a chance to live. Thanks to Allah for making my mom’s delivery of me an easy one. Thanks to Allah for the rezeki he has given my family. Thanks to Allah for my family. Thanks to Allah for my parents. Thanks to Allah for my awesome friends. Thanks to Allah for everything He has brought down for us all. I pray that I will be a better daughter, student, Muslim and friend. I pray that me turning 18 will be a breath of fresh air. Insya Allah, Amin

Thanks to all who has wished me. I appreciate it a whole lot <3

Two words; Syukur Alhamdulillah

17 Years

So. I’m less than 12 hours to turning 18.

I guess i feel mixed emotions. I’m not that excited but excited at the same time. WHUTTTTTTTTTT.

I dont know why turning 18 is such a big deal. For me it makes me realise how freaking old I am. And which means i have more responsibilities. And by right i should be more wiser. We’ll see.

But anyway, i’d have to say being 17 was one of the best thus far. new friends. new environment. and to top all of that off, i have my old friends close by.

I’m glad i made it this far. And I pray for a happy year of me being 18. I wont say happy always. i mean who doesnt want that. but everyone knows shit will happen whether you like it or not. and if shit does happen, then being 18 means i have to brave it. and instead of remembering the bad stuff, turn it to something positive and make it good stuff.

Yeah for smokers and drinkers u’d be all psyched to turn 18. You dont have to break the law anymore woohoo. -_- hahaha. but anyway. I think it’s super dope that i’m turning 18.

OH WHAT THE HELL. Age is just a number. I’m still a kid at heart. TAKE THAT.