When I lost her.

My condolences to Enno’s family. I know how it feels to see someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes. Be strong, and keep praying.

It was like a dejavu of what happened five years ago. I was twelve. I still remember the solemn surrounding in the house. The house seemed so dead, dark and black.

A week before she left, she was admitted to the hospital. I still remember that Sunday afternoon where she refused to eat or speak. Turns out whenever we tried to touch her, she’d wail in pain. She couldnt speak properly. Slurring was her only way of communicating. The sound of the wail still rings in my ear. Screaming in pain. Despite her slurring she still managed to recite verses from the Quran. I was scared. I didnt want to see the paramedics take her away. I closed my ears to stop myself from hearing her screams. I still believed that maybe, just maybe she’ll be okay.

PSLE prelims came. Mummy told me not to think too much about Nenek and concentrate on my exams. So i did. A few days passed, I didnt visit her cos I needed to revise. Finally the last paper finished. Skipped my way home, excited for Daddy to bring me to the hospital. Upon reaching, Mummy was already there. Then I saw her. Lying on the hospital bed. Having tubes all over. I could see her breathing. I could SEE HER. But she couldnt see me. She couldnt move, nor could she speak. She was just lying there. Went over to salam her, i didnt feel a grip. Daddy told me she was in coma. And Mummy told me she could still hear me. She was basically, a vegetable. Mummy made me sit beside her and talk to her. Tell her my sorries and how i feel. I thought I could still buy time. Just as i was done talking to her, i turned to go to the guest area. As i left, she left too. Her breathing that could be obviously seen, died down. I didnt see her chest moving up and down anymore- indicating that oxygen was entering her system. it just stopped. Doctors rushed in. they tried to revive her. I stood and just prayed that she’ll be okay. after 15 agonising minutes of waiting. the doctor opened the curtain with his head hung low. I dropped to my knees.

A part of me died. A part of me was no more. She left. Just like that. After I came and talked to her, she left. Could it be that she was waiting for me? My life had no meaning for awhile. It was meaningless. I felt lost. Cried in the arms of Uni Dar. Kept telling her that it cant be true. Specs started to fog. A part of me just died. Upon reaching home, the house was so empty. Like even the walls felt my sadness. rearranged the furniture, changed my clothes and did my prayers. I sat at one corner with Yassin in hand. I looked around the house. An old movie played in my head. I remembered days where she’d drag her slippers from her room to the kitchen… How we’d laugh watching Bujang Lapok… How she chased me around the house to make me sit and ngaji… it all came back. Slowly, but surely, i made my way to her room. Her scent, her bed. I couldnt believe she was gone. Yet all the memories still remain.

After all the services had passed. I had to go back to school. The first day, i cried upon reaching home. Cos as i said “Assalamualaikum” she wasnt there to reply me no more. No one was waiting for me at the door. No one to give me wet kisses before i go off to school. SHE WASNT THERE.

She was the one who prayed in front of the Kaabah so that Allah would bless my parents with me. She was the one who supported me no matter what. She was the one who taught me how to read Arab. She was the one who fed me, changed my diapers when my parents werent around. SHE WAS THE ONE.

But have I ever showed her how much i cared? Have i ever showed her how much i loved her? have i ever told her “Nenek, I love you” HAVE I? No. everyday I live my days regretting the fact that i never once showed her how much she meant to me. I took her for granted. Nobody can make satay padang like how she does. Nobody can make pucuk ubi like she does.

I miss her. And I forever will. But I guess, as much as a part of me died when she left, she still lives on within me.

Nek you know I love you. Although I never showed it. Sometimes I was rude to you and I’m sorry. I still wish you were here with me. I know you’re at a better place now. But you know, I miss the Bujang Lapok movies. It has never been the same without you. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I see you within me. You played a part in shaping me. And I guess you really were waiting for me before you left. And I thank you for that. It showed that you loved me too. I know I havent been the ideal grand daughter that you wanted me to be. like how Kak mas and kak mes are. I know I’m no genius. But whatever I do, I’ll give it my all cos I know how much you believed in me.

Treasure the ones you love before they go. trust me. Cos the regret that you live with will haunt you. And its not really a good thing.

Leave of Absence (dreads)

It’s Wednesday. (silence)

My LOA ends soon. (silence)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can it please end faster?! T_T Yes, I’m enjoying the sleep and the slacking. But really, I have a NEED to get out and dress up nicely. I think I’m actually tired of wearing t shirt and shorts after showers. zzzzzzzzz.

Must.
Get.
Out.

Argh. One more day. One more day. HANG ON, T. HANG ON.

So anyway. What have i been doing for the past 3 days? Nothing much, really. I did some school work. SOME.  I have yet to continue my reading of chapter 11 of the psych textbook. It’s rather interesting… About the stages of life and shit.. Shouldnt be that bad. At leas I hope it wont be that bad. oh oh and at 5 im gonna watch the encore telecast of MJ’s memorial. I swear when i watched them videos on CNN i cried. After hearing eulogies from people about how much Michael Jackson gave it his all when he performed, made me promise myself. That in every dance session, every dance training, i’ll give my 100%- maybe even more. Every dance step I make is a rememberance to Michael Jackson.

On a side note,

DIRECT POLYTECHNIC ADMISSION (DPA) STARTS TODAY! TO THOSE WHO HAVE INTEREST IN A SPECIFIC COURSE, DO APPLY FOR DPA. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT. And i know it’s biased but TP DPA ROCKS! AND I’LL BE IN THERE TOO! GOOD LUCK AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU SOOOOOOON (:

Cant wait to meet my mates.

I miss you guys

[/edit]

Wet. Ice cream. Kinder Joy. Fall. Broken Seat.

Today I went for class. Then I met Aziz and Hafir for cycling. Woo. Met Aziz at Sunplaza Park and went over to hafir’s place. From there we headed to East Coast. Half way, we stopped at cold storage. We bought 2 big bottles of peach tea. Which we didnt finish. A tub of smarties ice cream. And kinder joy! We slacked at the steps while eating the ice cream. What did we use to eat? We bought 85 cents worth of tau huay spoons. (which i later dropped cos apparently i’m just freakin clumsy today) Lalala~

Continued our journey to east coast. Upon arriving, we sat a break water and just chilled. with the breeze and songs from Aziz’s phone. Soon I thought that it was time that we made a move. So we did. Aziz was like really fast ar. So Hafir wanted to chase him. I was behind Hafir.

Suddenly. Hafir started wobbling. The next thing I knew, he fell. I was like O.O then Aziz, who was in front, stopped. Looking cool and all, He stopped and turned to see wat happened. As he was about to get off his bike, he tripped on his bike and fell. I wasnt laughing at hafir. I ended up laughing at Aziz. L-O-L Cool cool rdy. Suddenly fall. haha! So anyway, apparently Hafir’s bike seat broke. yes. It broke. He injured his elbow and his kneee while Aziz had a small cut on his palm. It then started to pour so we went to the shade. Cleaned the guy’s wounds with my water from my waterbottle. Continued our journey after the rain stopped only to stop again when the rain started pouring. When it was still raining pretty heavily, we made a move to cold storage. On the way there we got superduperwooper wet. luckily i brought my windbraker so i didnt feel so cold. Thanks to my bicycle light, hafir could still see in the dark. His specs were all foggy already. So yay. I’m glad i helped him (: So we stopped at cold storage, all wet and shit. Slacked there till the rain subsided. Took pictures of our wet selves. haha! sent hafir back to his place. Then Aziz and I continued our journey home. Aziz said he was gonna use the route near my house so he cycled with me home.

It was a really eventful day. Exercising. eating icecream. exercising again. thigh burn. broken seat. Hafir falling. Aziz falling. rain. wet. LOA. Yes I’m quarantined. Zzzzzz.

And Ooops I went out.

Pictures!

Aziz’s first Kinder Joy!

Hafir excited to eat.

SMARTIES ICE CREAM!

Aziz is happy. Haha

Seee. Yummmmmmm lalala~

East Coast!

Shot one; After cycling in the rain.

Shot 2; after cycling in the rain. All soggy and shit

Slackin at cold storage waiting for the rain to stop. Here, Hafir acts cute (or at least he tried)

Hafir think funny wat cover his head with towel

see act cute agn -.-

Smile!

NOSE

Tak glam

Our bikes!

 

Today was a fun, wet, and soggy day. I hope Hafir’s fine! I had loads of fun and we must do this again! next time on a bright sunny day!

Till then, I’ll be on LOA. Means home bound. Means temperature takin. Means drinking loads of water. Means slackin.

Loves (:

Blessed.

So. Yesterday at this time, I felt like crying. Just breaking down. Like literally cry.

The plan for today (Friday, Jul 3rd) was to get the movie tickets for transformers, meet the guys, watch the movie, and go for HSS AGM. I was excited. Like really excited. Cos i thought that it was gonna be a dope day. Until Naida got sick, and Azeemah, HSSSC President called me to fill in for her. I said yes cos they seemed kinda desperate and i wanted to help. I thought i could make it in time for the movie and HSS AGM. but i was wrong. I didnt have time for the movie and HSS AGM. I had to ditch one. I didnt want to ditch any of them! I felt so guilty cos I made the guys travel all the way to plaza singapura last week for nothing. and now, i cant make it for the movie- AGAIN.

I felt like i was the problem. I felt so bad that i wanted to cry. Like all of them should just start cursing and swearing at me. One by one, Bobby.. Amalul.. Aziz… Izzat… told me to postpone the movie. I felt super bad already. I gave up. I told them to promise me that they’ll watch the movie without me. They promised. And i promised them that I’ll have a great time at AGM.

The next morning I went for rehearsal. And i met Bobby later to find my bowtie (which i did!) Then i met the other guys after their prayers. Went to Mac for lunch with the guys. By then it was 4 and i had to leave cos i needed to reach by 4:30. Asked the guys what time they’re going for their movie at Ehub they said 5. So i made a move and left. I was really really buzzzed and bummed but i had no choice.

Went for HSS AGM. helped out abit. soon the mayhem started. Everyone in their geek outfits. I was on a roll! Soon the time came for Hakeem and I to emcee the whole thing. there were parts where we had to crap up and prolong the thing cos there were some technical glitch. It was fun! good job, hakeem! So, i happily acted all geeky and kental. Cos it was the only time that it fit the situation. I was having a ball of a time. Then it came for the TP song. (the super slow one zzz) So, i scanned the auditorium.

SURPRISE!

The guys were at the corner.

Yes, they have been watching me all the while. A part of me felt paiseh. But Another part was amazed. Cos i never knew they’d do these kinda things. They ended up not watching the movie cos they felt that it wouldnt be the same without me. I felt cheated too, cos they promised me they were gonna watch it. and they broke that promise. I was speechless for a while. Cos I really didnt expect this. It was a real surprise. I just couldnt believe it ar. You might think I’m exaggerating and shit. But really. I was literally speechless. Like. I didnt know what to say.

Thanks? “BUT YOU PROMISED ME!”?

So, my supposedly fucked up day, turned out to be the best day.
Nothing beats this. Cos I have the bestest mates ever.

 

Thanks, you guys for coming down and seeing me. I really didnt expect anything. I honestly was thinking that you guys were gonna watch the movie like how i told you guys to. Like before the thing started i told rachel “I bet the guys are having fun watching transformers hee” And to realise that you guys came to see me and not go for the movie cos i wasnt there, really touched my heart. I know it sounds really mushy and boring and shit. but really i cannot explain it any better than this. I’m at a loss for words cos no one has ever done this for me or to me, for that matter. It has always been an “I wish…” kinda thing. but today, it happened and i cant believe it did.

I’m sorry for being too busy, and i’m sorry for being late the other day. Yesterday I told Bobby and Amalul that I’d rather skip the whole AGM to spend time with you guys. And I wanna thank you guys for letting me achieve both thats important to me; HSS and Yourselves. I really dont know how to thank you guys enough cos it made my day, thats for sure. thank you sooo much (:

 

(:

That was my eventful day. Contented.

The Importance of Smiling.

I feel sad when i hear people around me sad. I dont like it. Everyone deserves to smile and be happy. We are young. We shouldnt be over thinking things and getting worked up over nothing. It will make white hair grow faster! and it’ll make you look old I mean I know everyone has their issues and problems and all that. But hmm. I guess you have to take it with a pinch of salt. Shit happens. And u have to know that it happens for a reason. Behind every bullcock problem there’s always some good in it. that’s what i always believe in.

For me, i’m no pro in handling stress or anything. But whatever happens I’ll always try to smile. Whether I’m in pain, or I feel sad or bummed. I’ll always make it a point to smile. Cos smiling is like the answer to almost everything. And I always remember that I’m not alone. There are other people who face worst problems than I do. So I have to be thankful that my problems aint that bad.

If I could, I would buy all my friends who’re having problems ice cream just to make them feel better. But all i can afford is just to lend a listening ear and a smile. I dont like to see sad people

 

SO EVERYONE MUST SMILE MORE FROM NOW ON OKAY.

(:

You’ve Got A Friend (:

My phone was giving me problems today! I was all whiny =x sorry Rachel for listening to me whine. I went to meet the guys before heading to tamp mall. Apparently I had to empty my inbox to solve the problem. And it worked! I was happy. I spent my extra time deleting texts. Not funny okay. It’s really taxing =\ After that I met Zam over at tampines mrt where we had lunch (or i had lunch) at long johns! After lunch I needed my dose of caffeine. Hee hee. Went online at starbucks for a while. Then I got Rachel’s caramel Frappe and the guy’s donuts (:

Zam was such a darling to have sent me back to school and help me carry my bag and my laptop. Hee. Thank you, zam! My wingman. Hehe. I know I can rely on him! Lalala~ he sent me all the way to IR where i met rachel and the rest of 1a02. Went for APEL with Mr Ang. Kinda fun. Then hung around over at IR while waiting for the guys to finish sschool. Went to pray and met the guys at ITAS. Gave them their donuts and slacked at ITAS till they went to play soccer. left for home after maghrib. And a song I’d like to share. I know some of my friends are having issues and problems and shit. and i hope this is enough (:

 

‘When you’re down and troubled and you need some love and care,
and nothing, nothing is going right,
close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest night.

chorus: You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am,
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call
and I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend.

If the sky above you grows dark and full of clouds,
And that old north wind begins to blow,
Keep your head together and call my name out loud.
Soon you’ll hear me knockin’ at your door.

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am,
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call
and I’ll be there, yes, I will.
Now ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a
friend
when people can be so cold. They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you.
And, take your soul if you let them.
Oh, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am,
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call
and I’ll be there, yes, I will.

You’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend…’

You’ve got a friend; carol king

(:
Love.

Gone Too Soon

I will not blog about Transformers 2 until I watch with my guy friends. Till then, I, together with the rest of the fans of Michael Jackson of the world, will mourn his death.

I have to agree that he has done some stupid things during his lifetime. Like not embracing his roots, getting his face and nose done. With all the molesting and raping rumours. And how weird he is. But if you were to think just in this context, it’s rather unfair. Cos he did have a bad childhood. He was abused by his dad. So I think that we shouldnt blame him for his weird-ness. In fact, I think that his weird-ness is the thing that makes him special.

Despite all the stupid things he did, he’s still a legend. He’s the King of Pop and will forever be the King of Pop. Somehow a part of me still wants to believe he’s alive. Think about him. Without Michael Jackson, there wouldnt be artistes like Usher and Chris Brown. Michael Jackson made me realise that beats can be seen and expressed. Dancing was part of his act. And he was good at doing it. One day i’ll learn the thriller routine. And perfect it. Although I know I cant be as awesome as him, but it’s the only way i feel that i can honour the magical things he has brought to the world. From Thriller to Billie Jean. The best songs ever created. Everyone is not made perfect. But sometimes, you have to remember the positive part of people who have screwed up rather than remember the negatives. Cos it’s their positives that somehow changed the world and made the world see what he sees in his perspective. Let’s remember Michael Jackson because of his genius in music and dance, not cos of his stupidity in his own personal life. Cos being an icon, your every move is being scrutinised. And I guess, all he wanted was to be normal like everyone else; not scrutinized for his bad decisions, and to be able to be perfect in everyone’s eyes. More so in his father’s eyes.

Rest In Peace, Michael Jackson. Thanks for enlightening us with the fact that music is something you can dance to and feel.

Like A Comet
Blazing ‘Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Gone too Soon; Michael Jackson

Goodbye King Of Pop.

RIP Michael Jackson. The King Of Pop. Although I dont really idolise him and all. I am a fan of his songs. He made the best songs ever. Thriller, billie Jean, Bad, Beat it.. All the dope songs. Despite how white you are I still love you Jacko.

I AM SAD.

Sigh. Sad for this morning’s news. but i slept with a smile yesterday night (:

Hands Down.

I tried so hard to get us tickets for transformers. The booking was successful, but we didnt reach in time so that we could collect our tickets =( rushed over to the cathay in hopes of getting tickets, but to no avail. I felt guilty. I felt so bad. I made them come all the way to dhoby ghaut for nothing =( I made Aziz sweat. And I know how much Aziz doesnt like to sweat. I felt really bad. Although they reassured me that it was okay, i still felt bad. Sigh. We ended up watching Pelham 123. And we paid only 6 bucks cos we were students! yay! the movie was really interesting. Of course, considering Denzel Washington and John Travolta was in it. So in my opinion, it wasnt a waste of my 6 bucks =) Went home after the movie. Lalala~

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts, they race from self-control.
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine.
We’re doing fine, we’re doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won’t you kill me, so I die happy?
My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

The words are hushed, let’s not get busted.
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered;
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
“Hey, did you get some?”
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close,
They can’t hear, so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won’t you kill me, so I die happy?
My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember.
I’ll always remember the sound of the stereo,
The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair,
That you twirled in your fingers.
And the time on the clock when we realized it’s so late.
And this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it and I let you in,
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist,
And you kissed me like you meant it,
And I knew that you meant it.
That you meant it, that you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it.

Hands Down; Dashboard Confessionals

 

One word. Exactly.

Just keep swimming..Just keep swimming…

I went cycling with Dad today! the house to pasir ris park to changi point and back. Oh my toes. I reached home with jelly legs. I got down from Dexter (my bike) and my legs almost gave way. HAHA! And it was super tak glam la ok. I’m never going to cycle to changi point for nuts. why? cos there’re freakin hills and shit. and the hills are like gradual. so u have to pedal like crazy when yr gears are down low and you’re goin up. So i looked retarded and i could actually feel the burn on my thighs! It was madness. My legs are still kinda jelly-ish. But I had fun! Woo! What a way to spend Fathers Day! Lalala~ School tomorrow… My pivot table not done yet. I dont even know if i can come up with more crap to fill in the pivot table =x gahhhhh. My wardrobe settled for tomorrow. Technically I’m ready for school. But homework wise? Dont even let me start.

I saw sheldon the seahorse on tv today!

Just keep swimming… Just keep swimming…